2008

I've been lazy, yes. Lazy to update my blog that is. The last time I updated my blog was when I was so busy with BJ release 43. Now, FF has already reopened the registration for Quarterly 1, the first quarterly in year 2008! Look forward to experience release 44 y'all. There won't be any special 'previews' done in neither Axis nor TC this time around (as far as my common knowledge's concern) cause Trace has stopped doing BJ for good (at least she claimed so during last Quarterly). On top of that, Kylie is no longer around in Malaysia. So no more previews for us. All will be out on the Quarterly day itself. I like it this way. Rasa berbaloi duit aku bayar mahal-mahal pergi Quarterly, LOL.

Anyway, enough about BJ. I'm suddenly in the mood of writing just because of something I read in somebody's blog just now. This friend of mine is known for being a dear friend to almost everybody and an avid fan of BJ. His social life is a lot more happening than mine, but lately he's been spicing up his already happening life with more happening activities. Comparing my life to his is like comparing heaven and earth. But I'm not here to do any comparisan or anything like that. I'm happy with what I have and where I'm at now. But I gotta admit, I'm seriously suffering from insufficient dosage of vacations and time spent with friends and family. Bummer kan.

Last two weeks I felt as if I was single with no commitment whatsoever once again from 7th until 11th January 2008 just because I had to stay with my 17-year old baby sis in USJ while my parents were away in Mekah for their haj. It was barely one solid week away from home with Awal Muharam holiday and all. But I couldn't help but to feel SO SINGLE, if you know what I mean. WIth no kids hanging (and quarelling) by my side, life is so...peaceful and surprisingly relaxing. Not to say that my kids are burdensome or anything like that cause I always regard them as my good-stress-maker. Life is more cheerful, colourful and challenging with them. Without them, things will be quiter (I prefer peaceful) and time seemed to move a bit slower. And I didn't teach BJ classes too for that week and a week before that. I was terribly unwell, and therefore cancel all my classes then. No class means more time for myself. I managed to read book AGAIN (thankgod), and somehow had the time to reevaluate my 30 years of life spent on Earth. Ok la, takde la reevaluate every single day of that 30 years kan. But I did look as far as 2-3 years back just to see where I'm standing at right now.

Honestly, a lot of things happened in the office in mid-year 2007 which subconsciously turned me into a better person in general. I have more sense of self-love and pride, recognise my values, improved my discipline and learnt so much about almost everything from a lot of people around me. Thank you so much for those who've affected me with your positive energy and values, directly or indirectly. You might not know who you are but I'm very grateful that I've been surrounded by these people. May Allah bless you all :)

The more I look into my life, the more I think about the things I could've done to improve the quality of it. Parallel to this, I can't help but to feel connected to John Gray's concept of 10 Love Tanks. I believe I have focused on filling too much love in one of the love tanks of my life that I forgot to see if my other love tanks were well taken care of or not. According to John Gray, the author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, we humans have 10 Love Tanks and all of these tanks must stay filled up. However, since we human are mere mortals and have to go through certain stages of growth to complete our lifecycle (which of course starts at birth and ends when death arrives), Love Tanks too will evolve and give different impact depending on human's stage of life.

Based on his book, at conception to birth one need God's love the most (love tank no.1). At birth to seven we unquestionably rely on our parents' love (love tank no.2). At seven to 14 we are mostly influenced by our family, friends and have fun, fun, fun (love tank no.3). At age 14 to 21, we seek our peers and others with similar goals for support and understandings (love tank no.4). At 21 to 28, one need to love, respect and value oneself (love tank no.5). At 28 to 35, we are in need of steady relationships and romance (love tank no.6). At 35 to 42, one normally yearns to give unconditional love to a dependent, for example a child or even a pet (love tank no.7). At age 42 to 49, it's time for giving back to the community (love tank no.8). At age 49 to 56, one will feel most fulfill when they give back to the world (love tank no.9). And finally at age 56 and beyond, nothing gives more satisfaction than serving God (love tank no.10).

As I said, all these 10 Love Tanks must be filled at all times, but maybe one has to be filled up a little extra as compared to the others depending on where we stand in our life-stages.

For me, I'm in Stage 6 and my main Love Tank is Relationship & Romance. As far as I'm concern, that Love Tank of mine doing great (well, I don't know about what Bard think though, hee-hee). But sometimes, I do feel some sort of emptiness which I sometimes experience in my head and my heart. It's tinnie-weenie super-small, but it's there. It's like something is missing in my life but I can't really figure out what it is.

After reading that particular chapter of the book (I'm YET to finish the book ok,still working on it), I believe I've found the source of that emptiness. I honestly have grown distant from God and I'm not proud of it. I'm doing alright with my family but I think the bonding between us brother and sisters could be better. I'm fine with my in-laws but I always found myself making up excuses when I knew I should be making that phonecall to ask them 'how are you'. My spiritual side is weak. I love my kids and I love my other half so much, that I think I'm beginning to forget how to love myself. I miss Adikara and all my dear Adikara friends, and the times we used to spend goofing around together in between practices for Citrawarna. I miss those tiring and physically challenging trainings and practices my tarian friends and I had during those stressful PSP and FTK days. I forgot when was the last time I had my vacation. I don't think I have ever brought mama to anywhere for a vacation. Gosh. What have I done so far in my life? What am I doing all these years? Kumpul lemak dan tahi mata kot.

Anyway, after reading the book and did a bit of thinking, I realised that it's still not too late for me to live my life and be happy while living it. I'm taking baby steps to fill up all my almost-draught Love Tanks of my life. I learn how appreciate little things around me that I used to take for granted of its existence. I try to change my attitude towards certain people and use my brain instead of emotions when I'm dealing with them. I try to change my mindset of certain things in life positively. I don't know why but I'm sure feel so much content and calmer lately knowing I made effort to enjoy my life and be happy about it. I smile a lot too nowadays, even when I'm terribly sick. Owh, and yeah, will definitely gonna go somewhere for a vacation THIS YEAR hee-hee ;)

Till then peeps. Cya when I cya. Happy 2008 and Awal Muharam to all of you!:D



~baby stepping towards happiness~